Worst Movies of All Time (transcript)

This is the dialogue in the video, Worst Movies of All Time.

• The Introduction
• [The screen shows a scene from Mike Myers' Cat in the Hat, in which the titular character holds up Universal Studios brochures to the camera, with words that read, "This video is a critique, which is considered "fair use" under section 107 of the Copyright Act 1976. If you enjoy these movies, please support the original creators by buying the DVDs :) Special thanks to Doug."]
• PhantomStrider: Ready, Boo?!
• Boo: Heheheh.
• Arnold (Troll 2): OH MY GOOOOOOD!
• PhantomStrider: It's finally time we face the greatest cinematic train-wrecks ever made! In the darkest recesses of history lie the laziest, stupidest, most manipulative piles of dreck that have ever fouled the age of moving pictures! Some so ugly, badly acted, cruel or stupid that they managed to scar the entire movie industry! And we're gonna check them out today! So let's check out the Top 10 WORST Movies of ALL TIME! And, as always, if you do like these movies, that's great! It's just my silly personal opinion. And I'm glad you can enjoy something that I can't! Anyway—
• [Screen goes to television static as Nostalgia Critic on the screen]
• PhantomStrider: Woah! Hey, Nostalgia Critic! How ya doin'? I was actually just checking out the worst movies of all time.
• Nostalgia Critic: Oh, come on, Strider! We ALL know the Garbage Pail Kids is the worst movie of all time!
• PhantomStrider: Yeah, Garbage Pail Kids is bad, but I think there are movies out there that are EVEN WORSE!
• Nostalgia Critic: Prove It!
• PhantomStrider: Fine! I will! #10...
• #10 — Pledge This! (2006)
• #9 — Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
• PhantomStrider: Many of us remember the powerful, epic moments of Luke first rescuing Leia, and using The Force to destroy the Death Star in A New Hope. But then, our buddy George gave A New Hope a follow-up before Empire Strikes Back. A holiday special with so much sandbagging, painful corniness, just... WEIRD moments, and plain nonsense, that it makes the entire franchise worse just by... existing! They wrote a fanfiction about a special "Star Wars Wookie Day". Let's call it... "Life" Day. Life Day remains the most idiotic, brainless, corny title for a holiday I've ever heard! You just hear that title and you immediately know you're in for something so campy that it makes Brady Bunch look like a dark, sinister horror! And the movie is 98% sandbagging. If we're not watching "The Wookie Cooking Channel", bizzarely colored mini-dancers or Wookie's... "alone time", we're watching pug-fugly animations about Boba-Fett. I am convinced that every single fanfiction for Star Wars ever written would be more interesting than this... THING. George Lucas himself DESPISES this special! And I quote him saying: [imitating George Lucas] "If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of this show and smash it!" And the 8th worst movie is...
• #8 — The Room (2003)
• #7 — Turkish Star Wars (AKA: The Man Who Saved the World!) (1982)
• #6 — Fred: The Movie (2010)
• #5 — Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
• #4 — Jack and Jill (2011)
• PhantomStrider: Remember those times we had the television off; when we couldn't see the disasterously bad trainwreck of a film Adam Sandler unraveled on out screens?
• [Homeless man is screaming while flailing his arms frantically]
• PhantomStrider: Yeah, those were good times. We've all seen BAD from Adam Sandler before, but it takes a special kind of AWFUL to be the worst movie Adam Sandler has ever done. And how did they accomplish this? They put Adam Sandler in DRAG! That's right! Sandler has a twin sister now. If you thought one Adam Sandler was bad, try two! A goofy, flatulent sister that represents every boorish, brainless frat boy joke we despise in Adam Sandler films. All captured in one big, unholy flollop! Every scene, every comftorable, everyday human activity from the dinner table to watching a basketball game is DESTROYED by "Drag Sandler"! Basic human maturity and kind-heartedness is lost in Sandler's world; replaced by schoolboy fight mantras and random squealing. 
• [A crowd constantly cheer "Fight!" for two background characters]
• PhantomStrider: But, wait! It gets better. Because we get a romance between Al Pacino and Drag Sandler! If Sandler wants to dress in drag in his free time, sure. Whatever he enjoys. But did he have to turn his kinky hobby into one of the worst movies of all time? In fact, the creators were so terrified of being booed out of every cinema they set foot into that they outright refused to show any advance screenings of the film. I can't say I blame them. 
• Jill (AKA: "Drag Sandler"): You take BACK what you said about Pagogo!
• PhantomStrider: HOWEVER, There is... ONE plus to this movie. We get to see Jill smashed in the face with a chair! And after seeing this movie, I can have that on repeat all day. Jack and Jill is formulaic, uncomftorable, and painfully void of any human grace whatsoever. 
• "ROTTEN" MOVIES
• PhantomStrider: And now onto the movies that fit into that special category of "ROTTEN". And the 3rd worst movie is...
• #3 — Cat in the Hat (2003)
• PhantomStrider: Ah, Dr. Seuss! He has touched the lives and very morals of so many children! It shaped so many of us today. And it's done so through beautiful, unique illustrations packed with profound universal messages. To take something so beautiful... and to corrupt it into everything wrong about cinema! You really need a rotten movie with a rotten spirit to do that! This movie isn't just BAD; it is a cash-grabbing dump on something timeless and beautiful! The shameless marketing, the ugly designs, the countless lazy decisions! To take the most well-known Dr. Seuss story in history and to... botch it up this bad! Mike Myers' suit looks like re-animated roadkill, and he gives the constant facial expressions of an escaped mental patient about to roger a squirrel in the National Park! All the revolting greens, all the misshapen, creepy colors and objects, all the endlessly tasteless jokes! It is visually appalling, the jokes are all weak as water, and the performances seem to be physically hurting the actors! The Cat in the Hat movie comes from a place of no forethought, no original ideas, and most of all, no consideration for the younger viewers watching!
• #2 — Garbage Pail Kids (1987)
• Nostalgia Critic: HA! Called it!
• PhantomStrider: Okay, okay! I mostly agree with you. It's very close to #1. I only think there's one worse movie than this. As Doug has said, this movie is an insult to cinema itself! It is EASILY among the most God-awful, poorly conceived, psychotic movies ever made!
• [One of the Garbage Pail Kids farts at a fashion show]
• PhantomStrider: And I'm glad that we can both at least agree it's certainly among the worst. The Garbage Pail Kids themselves look like pure, concentrated nightmare fuel — with hanging-open mouth and mucus-like, vile oily designs that make you lose all plans for ingesting food for the rest of the day. Their fish monster faces just seem to rot off right in front of our eyes. And then you get what these deformed horrors actually do. These revolting monsters might pull out human organs for lunch; they might draw a knife on the camera or try to bite people's toes off; they might steal and cause chaos to the neighborhood — all under the guise of being "for kids"! This movie was so ugly — so downright repulsive, mean-spirited and rotten — that it was pulled from theaters almost immediately, due to endless complaints by angry parents! The acting is at such a bottom-rung level that you will likely feel unwell just watching their performances, gazing upon the colors, and everything these rotten creatures do! No child, no adult, no sentient creature understanding of the human condition should ever be subjected to this... slimy spit on all of cinema history! It is EASILY among the Top 2 Worst Movies of All Time! And before we get to #1, I'd like to give the usual quick DIShonorable mentions. 
• Honorable Mention #1 — Kung Pow! (2002)
• PhantomStrider: I both liked and hated this movie. On one hand, it's filled with pee jokes, flatulence jokes, annoying voices and tongue humor. On the other hand, it's meant to be stupid and justs wants to poke some fun at some old kung fu movies. It got recommended, but I don't think it's quite abysmal enough to be on this list.
• Honorable Mention #2 — Troll 2 (1990)
• PhantomStrider: This movie is an obvious choice for the list with its abominable writing and cheesy effects, but it's technically enough horror genre and I have excluded horror films from this list.
• Honorable Mention #3 — Jem and the Holograms (2015)
• PhantomStrider: No greater middle finger has ever been given to an entire generation of millenials! No part of this movie was not so revoltingly self-absorbed that it made me want to destroy every smartphone I saw!
• Honorable Mention #4 — Manos: Hands of Fate (1966)
• PhantomStrider: You know the best person to make a movie? A Texas fertilizer salesman. Our good friend Harold made this movie after he lost a bet with a screenwriter. And I think a blind drunken hobo with a broken camera could have come up with a more enthralling movie!
• Honorable Mention #5 — Transformers 4: Age of Extinction (2014)
• PhantomStrider: God, I hate this movie! But at least it's kind of colorful, some of the time when it's not trying to give you a seizure? Even if it's not the absolute worst, I despise the Transformers movies for what they've done to the movie industry as a whole!
• Honorable Mention #6 — Bio-Dome (1996)
• PhantomStrider: One of the few performances that will make Adam Sandler's absolute worst performances seem as reserved as Gandhi! Understand, it is a perfectly natural reaction to want to punch the two main characters within 15 seconds of starting the movie! This means you are human, and still have a sense of morality. Anyway, here we go! And without a doubt, the #1 Worst Movie of All Time is...
• [Gord shoddily sings "Daddy, Would You Like Some Sausage?", while both Strider and Doug watch in horror]
• #1 — Freddy Got Fingered (2001) [Heads up: Some (barred) gore imagery and sexual references.]
• PhantomStrider: First off, I'm sorry in advance! When humans first created moving pictures so long ago, did they ever conceive that such a detestable, empty, worthless nightmare could... exist?! In what part of any human's creative vision does this... THING fit? Imagine a grotesque man who never grew up, who thrived on shows about breaking things on Reality-TV, and throwing fecal matter into people's faces. Now imagine if that attention-seeking, brainless twist got $14,000,000 for his own movie to write and star in. Welcome to the most immature, vile, ugly, grotesque movie ever conceived by man. Welcome to Freddy Got Fingered! This is not... a comedy film, as it likes to claim. This is... a horror film! As we watch this creature try to outgross himself, you will likely have some of the symptoms of horror. You will likely feel like vomiting, screaming, you'll probably look on your screen in horror terrified of what's going to happen next. This movie is like an inescapable night terror Freud was having during his creepier phase. Does it think it's being smart? There is some... dark part of the recesses of our mind where we forget what is downright WRONG, and assume these will never happen. Then, Tom Green comes along, gutting a deer carcass and wearing, swinging a newborn infant on an umbilical cord, playing with animal genitalia... See, most people in the population have that part of their brain that subjects like paraplegics, child abuse, and mental illnesses are subjects that need to be treated with care and respect. But some missing part of Tom Green's brain  lets him think, "These subjects are to be mocked, and used to disturb every viewer watching it!" Tom plays Gord... who tries to be a cartoonist apparently? But rapidly returns to being a slacker trying to out-gross himself and upset his family. I cannot understand a WORLD where this... THING is funny! Where it's anything but a collection of the concentrated worst of humanity! At least Jack and Jill came from Sandler just attempting to make people laugh! In my opinion, this is... the ultimate blackhole of all cinema. The most brainless, revolting, disturbing, immoral, empty husk ever concieved by some mentally disturbed human. There is absolutely no doubt for me. In my opinion, Freddy Got Fingered is the absolute worst movie of all time. 
• The Conclusion
• PhantomStrider: Phew... Sadly, they'll always be badly made, cash-in movies, but they'll always be creative movies that try to explore humor, people, life, and emotions.
• Doc Brown (Back to the Future: Part II): Why?
• PhantomStrider: In the end, I'll always remember the movies that changed the world or just pleasant to watch like Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Back to the Future, or The Wizard of Oz. As long as there are people, there will always be those sparks of insight or human warmth that change our world for the better or make us see the world in a new perspectice, and I'm looking forward to finding more of them. Do you think I missed a particularly bad movie? Damn right, I did! This list is so broad that you'd have to make a top 1,000 list to even scratch the surface! But if you've got a particularly bad movie you think i missed, feel free to leave it in the comments. And as always, thanks for watching! And I'll see you next time!